rosie__b

Not exactly a post as such. Have nothing interesting to say right now, and yet loads to talk about that I can't talk about :-/

So, in lieu of content, I present cute children.





That's your lot.

Next weekend is a family event, with everyone from one side of the family getting together in Wales.

I so don't want to go and I'm under so much pressure to go, or I'll be the only one not there.

Reasons to go:
1. I'll be badgered and never hear the end of it
2. Dad's said he won't enjoy the weekend without me and the children there

Reasons not to go:
1. It's a 3 hour journey with two small children. I can't drive, so I have a few options to get there:
- my aunt has volunteered her husband or son to drive me. She's only trying to be nice but she's put a lot of pressure on me and it makes me feel awful. I find them both intimidating (I find all my family intimidating!) and I'd feel terrible trying to get A&O to behave for three hours in someone else's car. It makes me feel anxious just thinking about it - I'm so close to cracking at the moment I can't deal with extra stress. Plus I get really travel sick.
- the train. That'd make it almost 4 hours door to door, and I'd have to take the pushchair, car seat, clothes/nappies etc for three people for three days, food for the children, then entertain both of them all the way
- my cousin's offered to drive me. But same issue with children - people without children have no idea of how stressful it is, you can't just wander off and take your time and leave when you want, because there's meal times/bed times/nappy changes etc to work around. Plus it seems rude to go with someone else when a lift has already been offered.
2. I'm so worn down at the moment that I just don't want to. The logistics of packing, travelling and so on are bad enough. But Oscar is already so unsettled at the moment, and he's always worse if we're away, so I'd be dealing with that, then when we got back, I'd have to work on re-settling him here again, which yet again I'd be dealing with on my own. It's just too exhausting, for two days of family event.
3. I just don't want to be making conversation and being polite and doing anything sociable. I'm exhausted, I'm in constant tears, I'm worn down by everything. I don't have the energy for any of it.

This probably all sounds so ridiculous - getting stressed over a family do - but I'm so so so tired and unhappy, it's the final straw that's cracking me up. I'm too tired to even be able to think about how to make a decision, let alone actually make one.

Exercise. It's quite tiring isn't it.

I haven't exercised since... I stopped doing PE at school about 16 years ago. But that's all going to change, OH YES (please don't quote me on this in a week's time).

As of the day before yesterday, I have 100% achieved my target of exercising roughly every other day. That is to say, I did a 30 minute exercise video the day before yesterday, and one today. But they're really hard! My heart's still going fast and I feel distinctly warm in the thigh-region. My main problem is a complete lack of co-ordination, so by the time I've worked out which is my left arm that I'm supposed to be punching with, and my right leg that I'm supposed to kick, they've moved onto something else.

Give it a year or so though and I may be able to run for a bus. As long as it's quite nearby. And downhill. With the wind behind me.

Actually, let's make that two years, just to be on the safe side...

Crap crap day. BLEH.

Oscar woke up as normal at 6am, despite my best efforts to convince him that this is no time to be awake. Alice got up about half an hour later, and we spent (an actually very nice) half hour all lying in bed together. Alice is very very lovely with Oscar, although occasionally I feel that screeching 'I looove you Ooossscccccar' at him may not be the best way to show it. But she gets toys for him, plays with him, carries him about. Anyway, it was lovely all cuddling up together, even with Oscar's hair pulling antics.

But oh god it was too early to be up. I looked at the clock in the morning thinking it'd be about 11.30 and it was only 9.15am. I'd already washed and dressed three people, fed three people, wiped up the highchair and floor, washed up, played a game of pretend, done a drawing... the day really seemed long.

Oscar refused to sleep in the morning as he was having one of his pooing days, so we went out for a walk to do recycling and buy Smarties (to bribe Alice to do some homework. BAD parenting). So then Alice had a tantrum because she hadn't listened when I said she couldn't eat any sweets until after lunch.

After lunch I tried to put Oscar down for a nap again but still no luck. I spent an hour feeding and settling him (or trying to) which I hate having to do as it meant Alice was downstairs on her own for an hour. Not that it'll damage her but I just don't like doing it, it doesn't seem fair. Anyway, he needed another poo so still no nap - and he was exhausted by now so really grumpy. It seems so unfair on Alice at the moment that she's missing out on doing a lot as I'm always trying to deal with Oscar - and she comments on it. She was really hoping he'd go to bed so we could play and she looked so disappointed when he was still up.

So then he pooed. Didn't you want to know that? And then, just to add to the fun, Alice decided to stick a Barbie lipstick up her nose. So she was screaming because it got stuck, and I'd just taken Oscar's nappy off so he was lying kicking his feet in poo and spreading it around while I tried to pull it out. She was really upset because it hurt and because I was cross with her. But only a five year old could think that it was a sensible thing to do (she'd thought it would be fun apparently!)

Anyway, we got through the rest of the day and they were both so tired and grumpy. Spent the last hour in the garden which was nice, but then another tantrum at bedtime (Alice, not me), and she really doesn't like the fact I have to read her bedtime stories while also bouncing Oscar/trying to keep him quiet while he's tired and hungry. It's really sad - I love reading to her and don't get to do it 'properly' that much any more. She really misses it too.

They're both asleep... for now (been up to settle Oscar once already). I'm so so so so tired - Oscar is sleeping through 10 hours most nights (although had a really bad night the first time I said that), but as he goes to bed at 7 that means he's up at 5. If I go to bed at midnight, that means... not enough sleep, even when he does sleep through.  I don't even sleep properly when I am in bed because there's a bit of me that thinks 'I'm the only adult responsible for these children', so I sleep really lightly and wake up a lot.

Whinge whinge whinge whinge. Sorry.

-edit-
You'd think I'd learn... so I wrote that Oscar was sleeping better, then I went and got in the bath I'd been running. Then Oscar woke up. He knew, I swear it. He knows if I dare try to do something for myself. So I had to spend 30 minutes settling him while cold and damp and my bath is damp now. I only get to have about one shower a week these days. Is it too much to ask that I'm allowed a bath!? Grr

Well, much against my better judgement, this whole counselling thing seems to be.... quite a good idea. I know, I know, that's not like me and I'm sorry, OK!  The counsellor's very nice, funny, says things that makes sense and hasn't had me arrested for being a raging psychopath yet when I confess my deepest darkest thoughts.

I have homework to do though! Bah. Various bits this week. One of them is writing, so now I have justification to carry on spouting emo-angsty rubbish on here! Actually, I'll have to have a hierarchy of angst - trite rubbish on here, slightly more angsty in protected posts, then the full-on loony in another LJ :-) I also have to write various letters to people, then burn them (the letters, not the people, although...). That's all a bit symbolic for me quite frankly, but I'm going to be a good girl and try. Just as soon as I can find enough paper to spill my guts on (it's messy, gut spilling. Paper sops it up well).

Oh, and for some reason, she thinks I can't relax well. Who'd have thought it. So I have a relaxation/subconscious doodad CD to listen to. Not my thing really, but I've tried it twice. Only problem is by the time I've got the children in bed, washed up, had dinner, done useful stuff, it's about 11.30 and I'm knackered. So both times I've tried it, I've fallen asleep :-) Possibly this is because the relaxation thing just works too well, but it means I've got no idea what the subliminal messages bit is. So if you suddenly hear that there's some crazy person running amok in Birmingham, you'll know it wasn't the calming affirmations I was promised.  What's annoying, given how hard I find it to sleep normally, is that it has a 'you will now wake up' bit, so I can't use it to put me to sleep in bed.

Other stuff:
- I've just spent the last two evenings stripping the banister. It's a crap piece of wood, in a house I don't like and don't intend to stay in much longer, but I wasted two evenings on it. I refuse to consider that buying a new one would have been a lot easier. It's not even finished yet either.
- Oscar has his first tooth! He chewed Alice's homework book and bled on it a bit while it was coming out. I haven't told her :-)
- Alice's teacher told her 'I'm so glad you're in my class'. Alice being Alice said 'why' and Mrs. Page said 'because you're so clever and you work hard'. BLESS.

Yesterday and today, Alice has told me she thought she was fat. She's 5 1/2! What do you say!?

Yesterday she said when she looked down at her legs they looked all chubby. I explained about foreshortening, reassured her she was absolutely right for a 5 year old, that sort of thing.

Today she told me that she thought she was fat and chubby. I talked to her about the fact she does lots of exercise and eats healthily, I told her she was just right for a 5 year old, that she was tall and strong. I talked about all the good things her body can do - ballet and running and jumping and so on. I also explained that as long as you were healthy, it didn't matter what shape you were.

But it's just ARGH. What do you say, seriously?

On another ARGH note, there's a job come up that I'd love to do. It's a job-share, which is ideal and which rarely come up in museums. I fit the person spec. perfectly (apart from being able to drive, but I'd even go on a weekend crash course thing to fit that). But... it's in Cirencester. I'd really really like to go for it, but it's probably not a good idea. But I'll regret it :(

BAH.

Broadband was supposed to go live on Monday. Tried setting it up, cables wouldn't reach, couldn't be bothered, Oscar woke up.
Tried again Monday evening. Got it all up and installed wotsits and wireless software went all peculiar, but then it found the network and woo.
Username and password not recognised. Oscar woke up.
Rang them yesterday, she told me to press reset and try again tomorrow (yay for technical support!)
Tried again today. They couldn't get the username and password to work either. I'll get another one in 5 days or so.
BAH. Have reinstalled the dialup. BAH again.

Hey ho, I should be trying to set up broadband, but I'm too lazy to move the sofa to get to the phone socket. So instead...

40 Secrets About Yourself
Be honest no matter what.

1. What Is your natural hair color?
Medium browny

2. Where was your default picture taken?
It's not a default one. It's not me. But it was taken on the sofa. Over there.

3. What's your middle name?
Sarah.

4. What's your current status?
Ha ha. Married, separated, I don't like to name it thanks.

5. Honestly, does your crush like you back?
Nope.

6. What is your current mood?
Slightly manically depressed. (Pissed off with the world but determinedly being slightly over-positive for Alice)

7. What color underwear are you wearing?
Um (peer down top). Black.

8. What makes you happy?
Alice and Oscar. Sleep. Family. Kisses. Cuddles. Chocolate. Chicken korma. Other things.

10. If you could go back in time, and change something what you would change?
I would notice things sooner.

11.If you Must be one animal - what would you be?
Cat, no question.

12. Ever had a near death experience?
Nope.

13. Something you do a lot?
Wipe things. Feed baby - wipe baby, wipe floor, wipe highchair, wipe clothes. Repeat three times a day, for two children.

14. What's the name of the song stuck in your head right now?
I've had the Mickey Mouse Club stuck in my head for days now. It's very annoying.

15. Who did you copy and paste this from?
Mariesalias.

16. Name someone with the same b-day as you?
No-one I know. Although someone I was at school with was born the day before me. But she had a child at 15, which was scary.

17. When was the last time you cried?
This morning.

18. Have you ever sang in front of a large audience?
Nope.

19. If you could have a super power what would it be?
Invisibility. No, flying. Invisible flying.

20. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Height, I think.

21. What do you usually order from Starbucks?
I don't think I've ever had a Starbucks, but I'm very boring, so it'd just be tea probably. Do they do tea?

22. What's your biggest secret?
Not even going to put it on here, even if I then made this so that even I couldn't read it. Some things aren't written down.

23. Favorite color?
Blue.

24. When was the last time you lied?
Erm, not sure. Quite often recently - there are things people know, and some things they don't know and other people know different bits but not everything...

25. Do you still watch kiddie movies or TV shows?
I have a 5 year old. I watch nothing but kids TV.

27. What are you eating or drinking at the moment?
Just had a cup of coffee and an apple.

29. What's your favorite smell?
Cut grass. The back of a baby's neck.

30. If you could describe your life in one word what would it be?
Lonely.

31. When was the last time you gave/received a hug?
Dropping Alice off at school, I got and gave a hug. Gave a hug to Oscar when he fell over.

32. Have you ever been kissed in the rain?
I should think so.

33. What are you thinking about right now?
Thinking that quite a lot of Marie's answers don't actually need deleting as they're the same as I was going to put (so what she was thinking of right now, is what I was thinking of, until I thought about the fact it was the same. Makes sense?)

34. What should you be doing?
Washing the kitchen floor, cleaning the bathroom, stripping wallpaper in Oscar's room-to-be, putting away clean washing, setting up the broadband, hoovering, getting lunch ready for Oscar, thinking about what to give Alice for tea, adding things to Microsoft Money, tidying the front room, writing to my Granny, emailing Helene...

35. What was the last thing that made you upset/angry?
Do I have to go into this?

36. How often do you pray?
Never. I don't believe in any form of spiritual wotsits.

37. Do you like working in the yard?
I like weeding, and I like hoeing.

38. If you could have any last name in the world, what would you want?
It's never crossed my mind! Getty, so I could rake in some cash?

39. Do you act differently around your crush?
At the moment, yes.

40. Name one song that reminds you of an ex?
I can't think of anything except Mickey Mouse Club still! Which doesn't remind me of anything. Probably Nina Simone or Bjork acksherly.

Three Things short and sweet:

1. My Mum. Very short. Very sweet. With a rather acerbic edge.
2. Alice. Very short, very sweet.
3. I really want a Yorkie bar, right now.

--
And in other news, I did try and set up the broadband. And then I stopped because the wire wouldn't reach and right now I just can't be bothered to faff around with it. The thinginess of the thing just annoyed me.

It's 9.30pm and my darling darling baby has been in bed for... 30 minutes. His bedtime is 7.30pm. Bleh.

He's also been up since 5am, which means I've been up since 5am too. And he was up all night as well, so I've got through the day on about 4 hours broken sleep.

Saturdays are crap anyway.

Bleh, this is making no sense. Start again.

• Bad night last night due to Oscar being constipated and teething.
• He woke up at 5am.
• I spent ages trying to convince him it wasn't time to get up - trying to feed him so he'd go back to sleep (he was yawning and rubbing his eyes). He displayed his displeasure by biting me while I was trying to feed him, and pulling out handfuls of my hair.
• 6.30am, Alice got up.
• Got through the day. It was hard and difficult and emotional so I wasn't doing great by bedtime anyway.
  
• Promised Alice as it was a Saturday, she could stay up until after Oscar went to bed so I could read to her on her own and have some nice time together - we won't get that again until Wednesday evening now.
• So of course, Oscar refused to feed at bedtime. So I had to read to Alice with him on my lap and she didn't get any time with me.
• Tried to feed him, tried to feed him, tried to feed him. He bit me, refused to feed, screamed. I was too tired out and upset to deal with it. Really really needed him to go to bed so I could have some time on my own without the children, as I won't get that for days now.
  
• Put him in his cot and rang my parents in tears (he screamed blue murder, was shuddering in tears by the time I got him 5 minutes later). They told me what I already knew, which was that I should just stop trying, take him downstairs and do something else and try again in an hour. If they'd been nearer, I'd have asked them to come and just hold him and give me a break for 10 minutes so I could breathe, but alas they're 120 miles away.
  
• Took him downstairs where he grunted and groaned and finally did a teeny poo. I did exciting fun Saturday night things like washing up. Feeling very angry and jealous of people who don't have to look after children and get to have a life :-/
  
• Finally got him to feed and go to sleep at 9am, but only because the tiredness outweighed the teething pain and tummy ache. Once the tiredness wears off, he'll realise he didn't feed properly and wake up and the whole cycle starts again.
• So so so so so so tired. Can't eat because I'm just too tense and unhappy. Terrified I'm in for another bad night, but even if I don't get any sleep, I still have to get through tomorrow because there's no choice.

Had enough of everything today.  I really really want a hug too

Just had a big rant elsewhere, so will now do something completely random and pointless here. Woot.



So, pointless number 1. My daemon is called Tarquin!? TARQUIN!?

BAH. Well you'll just have to wait for pointless number 2. Because the computer froze, then Oscar woke up for the second time tonight and then Alice woke up with a nightmare (there was a war, and an aeroplane and everyone was at school with their mummies and daddies and there were baddies) and by the time she was re-settled, Oscar was wide awake and wanting to play and now it's nearly midnight and why am I writing this rather than going to bed?

--
EDIT: So far I started with a hare, then got a butterfly. Called Tarquin. How come everyone else gets tigers with cool names and I get Tarqun the butterfly! I am offended!

Curse you tadpoleuk ! Look how much time I've wasted this evening, when I could have been.... washing up. OK, fair enough, I have no life.

So... 20 song first lines from a random shuffle through the playlist. Well, 10, cos I got fed up trying to type while eating peas.

1. Him dancing, him dancing, him rolling on the ground

2. Everybody be cool, this is a robbery

3. Cos her last relationship fucked her up, got hurt majorly, finds it tough to trust

4. It’s happening soon

5. Make me smile with my heart

6. Oh stella marie you’re my star

7. Who’s the leader of the club that’s made for you and me?

8. Now I’m down in it

9. Oh is this the way they say the future’s meant to feel?

10.I’m lost exposed

Have krazee fun!

2.30am

BAD 1) Oscar wakes up, ready for a feed. I stumble out of bed to warm up his bottle. Not a bad thing in itself, I mean, he always wakes up, but just not helpful with everything else...

BAD 2) Alice starts sobbing, because she's having a bad dream.

I leave Oscar to scream in his cot and go and calm Alice down. She's had a dream about 'wolves coming to get me and there's nobody there and they have big scissors that they put on my chest'.

So, calm her down as quickly as possible without making it look like I'm not paying her attention, but while listening to Oscar get more screamy and more awake.

Back into the bedroom, where the milk's warmed up. Start to walk towards cot to get him, when my glasses slide down my nose, there's the tinkle of something on the floor. Grab at my glasses.

BAD 3) The arm of my glasses has snapped off, completely. Have to take them to opticians to have frame repaired or replaced (with which money?)

So, stumble around to find old glasses (2 years + out of date prescription). Amazingly, I find them.

Feed a wide awake Oscar, get him settled, get Alice settled two more times in the meantime. Bed again by just before 4am. BLEH.

So, now wearing an old pair of glasses and have a permanent headache on one side. Should be taking current ones to optician now but Oscar's having a nap and I should have put him in the pram and taken him out but I just wanted a cup of coffee and some time away from him. Will get him up in a bit and trek out to get glasses mended.

On a side note, I really don't like my current glasses so it's annoying to have to pay for them to be mended. But I thought I preferred my old ones. Put them on, no, they look crap too. How do you choose glasses that don't look arsey?

--

p.s. thanks for nice words before everyone.

Birds are stupid.

There was just an almighty bang on the window and yet another bird has flown into the kitchen window. It's not like my house is invisible, or all made of glass or anything. It's brick, with normal sized windows, and yet birds throw themselves suicidally at the glass for fun.

What's quite amusing is that they leave bird prints on the glass, the shape they were when they hit, like those cartoons where people run through walls and leave person-shaped holes.

So there you go. Another detail from my fascinating life. It's amazing how much time you can waste on a LJ isn't it?

Well gah.

I have two LJ accounts. This one, and one where I do much more screamy-ranty-sweary-emo-angsty posts (yes, more whiny than on here, who'd have thought that was possible?). I just did a big post on there, with the aim of some cathartic venting, so I could come on here, but the whole thing's disappeared. So I just feel annoyed now.

Anyway, having at least unloaded some of the ****, which I'll have to reconstruct at some point, I can get onto the main, important reason for this post.  My hair, darlings.

I last had it cut when I was about 7 1/2 months pregnant. Oscar is now 6 months old, so that's a LONG time between hair cuts.  It started off with a haircut that I didn't like as it was too short and layer-y and just wrong. Then it grew a bit and was OK for a while, then it got a bit too long, but was OK when it was just washed and had gone a bit curly. Now it's just too long and looks really badly grown out.

Bearing in mind that I can't afford a haircut, and have no-one to look after the baby while I have it cut... I really need it cut. But what to do? Go for the same old haircut (kinda jaw-length bob but with some layers, which looks a bit crap but does the job) or do something *gasp* different? It needs to:
a) still be long enough to go behind my ears so I can keep it out of Oscar's way as he likes to pull it really hard
b) be able to withstand the fact I refuse to waste time on blow-drying, styling or any other crap like that
c) have to miraculously turn an unattractive 32 year old mother of two into a beautiful teenage/20-something heap of gorgeousness.
So, no pressure. Suggestions on a postcard to the usual address...

Took Oscar to be weighed today, and they did his 6 month review while we were there (for what it's worth). The results (their questions, my answers):
- can he stand with his feet flat on the floor? Yes
- can he sit up? Getting there, but still wobbly
- any worries with his hearing? Nope
- do his eyes point the same way? Yup
- any worries with his sight? Nope
- how's his feeding? OK, but he's cutting his milk (they said that's OK, up his dairy intake and accept that he prefers to feed at night, bah humbug)

Weight: 16lb 1oz (nearly double his birthweight, now halfway between 9th and 25th centiles
Length: around 70cm (they didn't measure him as they did it 4 weeks ago when he was 68.5cm. He's just below 91st centile for length)
Head circumference: 44.1cm (why does this matter? Anyway it's just below 50th centile).

Tall, skinny, with a teeny head!

This is Oscar 2 days ago, when he was exactly 6 months old:


More images here (hope that works)

--

Had such a bad night last night though, so he'd better be good today. He didn't feed well after me trying to feed him while reading to Alice, so didn't sleep long, but was too tired to feed properly the next time he woke, so didn't feed well... see a pattern here? Alice came in, upset, around 5.45am, but I was too bleary to work out what the time was so let her stay in my bed. So when Oscar woke up at 6, I didn't like to leave him to yell for a bit like I normally do, but had to get up with him to let her sleep. Legs have been like lead all day.

However, I thought I'd mention this so I could add that in the 5 minutes sleep I managed last night, I had a couple of really odd dreams. One of them was about YOU, Sian. And something to do with a swimming pool. But I can't remember what. Anyway, made me just want to say halloooo! xx

I am having a war on flies. They are everywhere today and it's disgusting.  I bought a big can of fly spray, then sprayed the bathroom and kitchen, laughing maniacally at the little teeny fly corpses everywhere. Then I went into panic mode and scrubbed everything in the kitchen in case it was covered in fly spray - despite having moved stuff off the worktops, I went slightly over the top, cleaning inside the breadbin, under the toaster. Still, it was clean.

But there are still three flies. So now the children are in bed I'm going to do it all again. And I'm going to spray the nice, organic compost bin in the garden with lethal chemicals too.

-

Managed to get all three of us up and dressed in time to take Alice to school today. I doubt it'll last though :-) It was 'helped' by Oscar waking up at 6am, and Alice coming in at 6.30 declaring she had her pants and socks on and where was her new school dress. I was hiding my head under the duvet and trying to convince my brain it was still asleep, having been up half the night with Oscar.

Alice was a sweetheart today, taking loads of responsibility for Oscar - she's like a second mother (not that he needs one, thank you very much). She'll happily entertain him, carry him around (she brought him downstairs out of his cot the other day which was alarming to say the least). She did reach the fed up point by bedtime though, as he was so grizzly and I was trying to read her a story with him shouting on my lap. Tried feeding him but he carried on shouting, so in the end I was shouting the story over the top of his voice, which was a lovely relaxing way to end the evening. Really need to find a way to manage the evenings better so Alice gets some one-to-one time :(

Oscar's new foods for today: strawberries (healthy, good mummy) and chocolate (BAD mummy!). Our next door neighbour gave him and Alice both a chocolate button egg, and obviously he's not going to manage the whole thing, so I gave him half a chocolate button. With Alice, I swore (and I think, kept to) no chocolate before 1 year old. This time round I'm so much more laid back. Or possibly lazy...

Soo... was going to not go to that counsellor, and luckily I had the perfect excuse in that I couldn't get childcare on the dates she could do.

But then she rang me up to offer new dates, having re-arranged people in order to offer them. So I have to now.

Monday 23rd April, I will be investigating my inner child, communing with my one-ness and seeking inner peace amidst the turmoil of my life. Or something equally arsey.

Of course, it might be useful, but let's not go into this with the right frame of mind or anything dangerous like that...

...a single mother.

And last night, and tomorrow night, and the night after, and next week, and next month...

And I hate it.

Got back from Wales yesterday about 3pm, Dad left about 5pm, Steve came over to see the children and then left about 7pm, so it's only been 25 1/2 hours so far since I officially became a single parent (although technically it's also been 50 weeks), but it's horrendous.

Last night, I was up every 1 1/2 hours to Oscar, who's been getting more and more unsettled. I also had to deal with Alice having a nightmare and then being scared of a silverfish in the bathroom (!). Each time, I'm so tense and unhappy it takes me ages to get back to sleep, so the amount of actual sleep I'm having is now stupidly small. And then Oscar declared 6am a good time to start the day.

This evening, I told Alice as a treat she could stay up until after I'd put Oscar to bed, so I could read to her without him screaming. Only he chose today to not go to sleep after a feed. But I'd promised, so I stuck him in the cot where he screamed while I read to her, only she wasn't happy because I was in a hurry, and he wasn't happy because by the time I'd settled her he was at that gulping, red-faced stage of screaming, and took another 45 minutes to settle.

And half way through that I had to go up to Alice again who was in tears.

Now I need to get Alice's school stuff ready, wash up their dinner things, sort the washing, sort my finances, try and eat some dinner, get some sleep ready for being woken up god-know-how-often.

Sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture. Could Amnesty International please intervene on my behalf?

So, I was recommended to a particular counselling service, and they've just sent through all the information on the kind of counselling they provide. Now I'm not really a big fan of counselling anyway, due to the whole thing about it being a load of wishy-washy, touchy-feely claptrap, but you know, I'm prepared to give it a try.

But I got a horrible crawling feeling up my spine on reading their information. I mean, some of it makes sense, like needing to build a relationship of trust with the counsellor, dealing with lots of issues, looking long term and so on. The first stage they call 'Life Mapping', which is about putting together a pictureof your history and so on. Fair enough.

The second stage? 'The Hall of Shame'. Apparently this is a very challenging and liberating experience, involving 'helping to expose those intrapersonal dynamics that are most enslaving' as 'it is the sense of shame, i.e. not being good enough, the fear of being found out, comforming in order to be liked and loved, that most propels an individual's negative states'.  That might make sense, but to me it just makes me want to shout 'LOAD OF ARSE' and run screaming in the direction of some real science, in the form of massive doses of antidepressants, rahter than all this waffle.

And the other stages? 'Dark Room Work' and 'Lifestyle'. Why do I get the feeling I might at some point be requested to hug my inner child?

Things are already crap. Do I really need to be kicked while I'm down by doing this? I'll just come out wanting to talk about personal empowerment, and feeling the need to use that softly spoken, sympathetic voice, that counsellors use. And put my head on one side and say 'I can see why you would feel that and I feel your pain'.

It's just not me. I'm too sweary for counselling. It would probably be less cruel to just put me down.

p.s. on a more positive note, I've just written a cheque to pay off the last of my credit card debt - woot! Had massive debts from Uni, took out a BIG loan to cover mine and Steve's debts, then we ran up some more. Doh. I've now paid off the loan and the extra debts, after being a rate-tart or whatever it's called, for a few years. Time to cut up the credit card now, finally. Will mean doing without stuff not to live in debt, but it'll be worth it. Probably.

Well, get me with my actual posting in my actual livejournal account.  I figure everything's changing, so why not! After all, I don't have broadband at the moment, am about to go away for two weeks, and then when I come back, will have even less time than before. What better time to start doing something else!

Anyway based on diaries I kept as a teenager, I'll post religiously for a week, then occasionally for the next two weeks, then once in the next month... But it's something to fill the time for a bit.

And while we're waiting for something exciting to happen, or to fill some space, or to give the world something to look at while I'm away, here are my gorgeous children.

*pause for five minutes while I try and work out how to do pictures, having already given up on trying to work out how to change fonts*



This one has been awake since 6am (it's now 4pm) with only a 20 minute nap in the pram. He's tired and cross and also needs to poo (correction: has just succeeded). I have just given up after 80 minutes of trying to get him to sleep and am now ignoring him while he lies on the floor kicking under his baby gym, because I'm all Oscar-ed out. I'm a crap mother who has never been able to get my baby to sleep properly.



And this one has taken to sleeping the wrong way around in her bed, because apparently it makes her sleep better. Fine by me if it stops her coming in and climbing in with me, waking the baby.

Right, only another 2 1/2 hours until they both go to bed. Better go pay some attention to one, and then go collect the other.